Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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