look no pants
I think I am morally bankrupt
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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