I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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