I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
