dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
