Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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