Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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