Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I need a burrito and a hug.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
