Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
