I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
