see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
ttyl tear gas
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
