Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize