Kiss
Puke
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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