you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
