I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
