just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
