if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
