I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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