I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
