I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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