remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
