okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
