I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
