I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize