I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
