Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
