at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I faked an abortion last night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
