it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
