Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize