Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
