Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
