She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
