he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
