i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
