I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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