i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
