His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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