Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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