**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
