new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
