Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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