I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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