It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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