she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
