hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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