I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
