How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
