Dual....:-)
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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