i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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