sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
