he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
