Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
