Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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