Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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