apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
