Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
