on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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