Porn is love you can see.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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