so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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