Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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