I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
