420 ftw
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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