my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
