The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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